If pink is the new black then beards are the new pink. Beards are the hot new accessory of the season. These days it is rare to find a band without a bearded drummer and Hollywood’s elite are sprouting stubble and embracing their manhood.
The hairy trend is not limited to pompous indie-rock bass players. Real men across the nation are setting their razors back on the counter and letting nature take its hirsute course. The evidence can be seen on faces right here on the Yuba College campus.
I recently had the privilege to sit down with Michael Noah, Yuba College student and beard-wielding egomaniac. (The information in the following interview does not reflect the views of The Prospector and much of it is highly illogical, but beards can have that effect on a man.)
How long have been growing a beard?Since I realized shaving took way too long, about 4 years. I’ve had this particular beard for 6 months.
What is the longest your beard has ever been?I wish I could say ZZ Top status, but I haven’t quite made it there yet.
How many different styles of beards have you had?Just the one where it grows out of my face and I kind of keep it from being lopsided.
Do you have any beard heros?Grizzly Adams, Jesus, and sometimes you see the pictures of God with that giant white beard, that one’s pretty cool. And ZZ Top.
Have you ever bonded with another man who had a beard?Men with beards do not bond with each other. That’s part of having a beard. You’re too rugged to bond with other men. Most men with beards live in the woods by themselves and don’t meet other men ever.
Beards are making a comeback. You’re seeing more and more young men with beards. Why do you think that is?That’s just laziness. More and more young men are realizing it takes effort to shave every day. It does not take effort to let a beard grow. It does all on its own.
Have you ever had a memorable experience because of your beard?There was one time when this horrible person combed my beard with a goose foot. It was traumatizing. I had to kill that beard. I shaved it off and let it go to its eternal rest. I had to put its soul at ease because it had been tainted forever.
How did that happen?I was at Denny’s late one night celebrating a friend’s birthday. I had come straight from work and I was tired. Someone had a goose foot on a key-chain, and an evil woman expressed interest in combing my beard with said goose foot. I told her that if she did I would throw a glass of ice at her. She proceeded to comb my beard with the goosefoot. I threw my glass of ice at her, right there in the middle of Denny’s, and she had the audacity to be surprised that I had done so. She tainted my beard and was surprisedat the retaliatory strike. In some countries (mostly ones I just made up) I would have been well within my rights to kill her forthat.
Do feel beards are underappreciated?Not “beards,” my beard.
Your beard is underappreciated?If you view the world as a seesaw my beard is the pole that it rests on, letting it rock back and forth. My beard is the cornerstone of the world.
What do you do for a living, Michael?On paper, I’m a Night Watchman.
Do you find that your beard is an asset in your occupation?It does scare away criminals. They don’t want to mess with it.
If I gave you $20 would you let me glue rhinestones into your beard?No.
What if it was water-soluble, organic, all-natural glue that would actually enhance your beard?You would have to ask the beard, and the beard only talks to people when they are very drunk. You know when people are super intoxicated and they claim they’ve talked to God? They were actually talking to my beard.
Does your beard help you pick up chicks?No, that’s the one thing it hasn’t done.
Why did you shave of your last beard?I shaved it off for insolence. It started itching and I had to teach it a lesson. It was a delinquent beard so I had to get rid of it.
Do you have any advice for other young men with beards?The beard knows what to do.
When does a man know he’s ready to have a beard?If you have to ask you aren’t.
How do you feel when you don’t have a beard?I do not feel like the same person. I look in the mirror and see someone else, my eyes screaming in his.
What are three things humanity needs to know about your beard?1. My beard is a weapon of mass destruction.2. My beard was on the iceberg that sunk the Titanic.3. It is Love.