2008 Woodie Awards
Scantily clad teens think adults with Chipmunks tapes are weird
Jesse Hicks--The Pitt News (U. Pittsburgh)
Issue date: 9/8/03 Section: Opinion
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(U-WIRE) PITTSBURGH - Some days my brain wants to feel sexy, like a hot blob of gray matter just itching to try on some new shoes and totally redecorate the apartment until it screams "Fabulous!" It's a weird feeling, but I never argue with my brain. Suddenly, I find myself reading the New York Times Fashion section, wondering why I wasn't also drinking a cappuccino and munching a bran muffin.
Two articles in the aforementioned section caught my attention. The first was about the perennial clash between mothers and daughters over how much skin the youngsters should be allowed to show. There's nothing really new about that, but with the continuing popularity of teen divas whose talent is measured by cup size, that special age when a girl buys her first thong is getting younger. Not to make a broad generalization, but according to the New York Times, all pre-teen girls these days want to look like whores. Pint-sized whores. Interesting.
The second article, titled "I Don't Want To Grow Up," chronicled the plight of upper-middle class adults trying to reclaim their youth by buying toys. Not grown-up toys like SUVs or IRAs, but actual children's toys like Strawberry Shortcake dolls and -- wait for it -- a Honda-brand toy truck marketed to extreme sports enthusiasts.
The article really made me feel for those young urban professionals with plenty of money to spend on reissued Care Bears. Then I grabbed my dictionary, searching for the definition of "emotionally retarded." There it was: "buying dolls at age 35." There's something vaguely disturbing about an adult who finds the Chipmunks -- those helium-sucking rodents whose albums of novelty songs were a kitsch hit when I was, like, 12 -- "funny, period." The really mean part of me wants to say, "You're going to die alone, period."
Incidentally, the children are with me on this one. Said one consumer, "I'll be playing a Chipmunk record in my car and, if a kid hears it, they get seriously weirded out." Yes. Though, if you really want to weird them out, maybe you should be driving a dark-colored van with tinted windows. Then park by a schoolyard and play your record. You'll get some attention.
Two articles in the aforementioned section caught my attention. The first was about the perennial clash between mothers and daughters over how much skin the youngsters should be allowed to show. There's nothing really new about that, but with the continuing popularity of teen divas whose talent is measured by cup size, that special age when a girl buys her first thong is getting younger. Not to make a broad generalization, but according to the New York Times, all pre-teen girls these days want to look like whores. Pint-sized whores. Interesting.
The second article, titled "I Don't Want To Grow Up," chronicled the plight of upper-middle class adults trying to reclaim their youth by buying toys. Not grown-up toys like SUVs or IRAs, but actual children's toys like Strawberry Shortcake dolls and -- wait for it -- a Honda-brand toy truck marketed to extreme sports enthusiasts.
The article really made me feel for those young urban professionals with plenty of money to spend on reissued Care Bears. Then I grabbed my dictionary, searching for the definition of "emotionally retarded." There it was: "buying dolls at age 35." There's something vaguely disturbing about an adult who finds the Chipmunks -- those helium-sucking rodents whose albums of novelty songs were a kitsch hit when I was, like, 12 -- "funny, period." The really mean part of me wants to say, "You're going to die alone, period."
Incidentally, the children are with me on this one. Said one consumer, "I'll be playing a Chipmunk record in my car and, if a kid hears it, they get seriously weirded out." Yes. Though, if you really want to weird them out, maybe you should be driving a dark-colored van with tinted windows. Then park by a schoolyard and play your record. You'll get some attention.