2008 Woodie Awards
Tired of terrorism? Grab a bumper sticker to stick it out
Jesse Singal--The Justice (Brandeis U.)
Issue date: 9/17/03 Section: Opinion
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(U-WIRE) WALTHAM, Mass. - Thank God for bumper stickers. They make things so much easier. In these post-9/11, with-us-or-against-us, love-it-or-leave-it days -- when everyone is either a flag-waving, outspoken patriot or al Qaeda operative -- bumper stickers are an excellent barometer by which to measure a given driver's depth of character, love of country and potential connection to future terrorist acts.
Especially since programs, like Attorney General John Ashcroft's Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System), have started calling for us to be ever more vigilant against the threats that may lurk within our fellow countrymen, the importance of bumper stickers has soared faster than a black helicopter with state-of-the-art listening devices.
Following the instructions of the Bush administration, I am constantly evaluating the threats posed by those around me. Where you -- the uninformed -- see a mailman, I see the next Mohammed Atta. Where you see a group of teenagers loitering outside the local 7-11, I see a possible remnant of a Taliban regiment. It takes a keen eye to be alert to the danger and subversion all around us, but with bumper stickers we have an easy way of knowing who to fear and who to trust.
Take the other day, for example. I was driving down Route 16 in Medford (my sources had told me something was amiss at Krispee Kreme, so I decided to investigate), when I happened to look out the driver's side window. "THREAT!" screamed something inside my brain as soon as I saw the guy. Lots of facial hair (like a certain Mr. bin Laden), wild dark eyes and a vaguely-ethnic look. In other words, he was exactly the kind of person Ashcroft would expect me to keep a close eye on.
So I did. I kept my car side-by-side with his for awhile, just sort of glancing at him to figure out what he was up to. He realized this, gave me the finger (the only American gesture he had expressed so far), and sped off.
I was about to contact the FBI (speed dial option number one on my cell phone) when my eyes caught his bumper. Affixed on it was a sticker with the words "Proud to be an American". My face became flushed with shame. Here I am, 90 to 95 percent sure this guy is a terrorist, and yet he has this beautifully patriotic bumper sticker on his car.
Especially since programs, like Attorney General John Ashcroft's Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System), have started calling for us to be ever more vigilant against the threats that may lurk within our fellow countrymen, the importance of bumper stickers has soared faster than a black helicopter with state-of-the-art listening devices.
Following the instructions of the Bush administration, I am constantly evaluating the threats posed by those around me. Where you -- the uninformed -- see a mailman, I see the next Mohammed Atta. Where you see a group of teenagers loitering outside the local 7-11, I see a possible remnant of a Taliban regiment. It takes a keen eye to be alert to the danger and subversion all around us, but with bumper stickers we have an easy way of knowing who to fear and who to trust.
Take the other day, for example. I was driving down Route 16 in Medford (my sources had told me something was amiss at Krispee Kreme, so I decided to investigate), when I happened to look out the driver's side window. "THREAT!" screamed something inside my brain as soon as I saw the guy. Lots of facial hair (like a certain Mr. bin Laden), wild dark eyes and a vaguely-ethnic look. In other words, he was exactly the kind of person Ashcroft would expect me to keep a close eye on.
So I did. I kept my car side-by-side with his for awhile, just sort of glancing at him to figure out what he was up to. He realized this, gave me the finger (the only American gesture he had expressed so far), and sped off.
I was about to contact the FBI (speed dial option number one on my cell phone) when my eyes caught his bumper. Affixed on it was a sticker with the words "Proud to be an American". My face became flushed with shame. Here I am, 90 to 95 percent sure this guy is a terrorist, and yet he has this beautifully patriotic bumper sticker on his car.